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While we’re on the subject of things that don’t make any damn sense…

September 30, 2009

Have you seen Flashforward yet?  If not, let me sum it up for you:

flashfoward comic

Fucking FlashForward.  I am SO PISSED about this shit.  I’ve been looking forward to this show for months, and then I get…this?  Nonsensical, horribly written bullshit?

Coming on the heels of an interview I read somewhere (io9?) that indicated that FlashFoward isn’t a scifi-esque Lost-style show, complete with like three-quarters of Lost‘s supporting cast, but in fact a run-of-the-mill drama, I can guarantee I’m never watching this show again.  The problem is, I love bad television, so lest I forget and am tempted to watch again, here’s a list of all the logical impossibilities, general stupidities, and UBERcliches in the premiere episode:

  • Everything else will be in chronological order, but this one just needs to be first: How. The. Fuck. did everyone come to the conclusion so quickly that yeah, OBVIOUSLY we all blacked out and saw the future, and OBVIOUSLY we will all blithely accept it with very little skepticism or conflict about that fact, internal or otherwise, because OBVIOUSLY that doesn’t require any major restructuring of our understanding of the universe/physics/reality?
  • The opening minutes: deliberate homage to Lost or shameless ripoff? You decide.
  • that contractor truck flipping during the chase scene?  Unnecessary.  Unnecessary chase scenes are pretty much par for the course, though.
  • pet peeve: the wall of articles and pictures connected by pieces of yarn like some magical spiderweb of crazy.  Whoever decided that this was the only way Hollywood was going to convey “this person’s been thinking totes hard” ever again should be dragged against the back wall of their sound stage and shot.
  • person on fire only on their back (even though they were sitting against a car seat), which has nothing to do with the fact that that’s how cheap stunt flamesuits work, I’m sure
  • So apparently, if we all fall asleep for two and a half minutes, the entire city of L.A. catches on fire.  Good to know.
  • If the airbag deploys, how do the people leave bloody spiderweb breaks on the windshield but stay in their seats?
  • SLOWMO RUN???? REALLY???
  • PUSH THE RANDOM PASSERBY OUT OF THE WAY UNNECESSARILY!!!! DOITDOITDOIT!!!
  • damn.
  • I, too, regularly walk through water when there’s a power cable sputtering into it.  And I, too, never get electrocuted, based entirely on the intense bad-assery of my stare:
  • 2009-09-29_2227I’m not going to even touch the kangaroo, or the man in underpants, except to remind the writers that just because you changed it from a polar bear to a kangaroo doesn’t mean we won’t notice you’re still ripping off Lost.
  • Cute! Black people looting while white people watch the news!
  • Fucking Seth McFarlane?? really?
  • Planes would not drop out of the sky if their pilots fell asleep for a few minutes.  I’m not sure pilots even pilot the planes anymore.  I’m pretty sure they just chill out in their awesome pilot hats and drink whiskey while the autopilot takes care of everything.
  • All the figuring-it-out scenes at the FBI offices is absolutely absurd visually.  Who stands that far apart in a noisy atrium to have an important conversation? Who paces dramatically – and conspicuously – instead of sitting like literally everyone else in the room?
  • OMG BRITISH DUDE FROM COUPLING!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!

I ended that on a positive note.  I didn’t mean to, but I kind of gave up and started doing something else instead of watching.

Seriously, the concept has such incredible potential, and for the most part the acting’s solid (Fiennes just needs to put his seriousface with Megan Fox’s sexyface in a box somewhere and never take it out again.)  Fate, circular fate stuff – i.e., making the future into what you see because that’s what you expect to see – general existential crisis, there’s so much here!  And then the scifi aspects get abandoned and they hire possibly the worst writers on the planet.  Who wrote this episode, scabs from the writer’s strike?

Though the song that starts around the 5 minute mark?  I kind of love it.  Anyone know what it is?  Also: “You only have to worry about one penis, I have to worry about all of them.”  Love it.

One Comment leave one →
  1. October 30, 2009 11:41 am

    Ugh. I already thought so. I read the book – I guess my father gave it to me and I was bored. And it was SO cheesy!

    But, I mean, at least the book starts at the very beginning. You have these scientists at CERN doing their thing, being totally excited about The Large Hadron Collider, the main scientist dueling about women, science nerds all around. Then they suddenly see themselves in the future. They walk around, see their old asses in the mirror and kinda freak out. Back to Switzerland: Everyone had a car accident. People burned themselves over hot coffee, fell down stairs and died, planes crashing down (wut?).

    And then the whole guilt trip starts: Oooh, was it my fault that everyone’s daughter died while walking the street to the kindergarten because all the cars just drove on and hit people? Will I be fired now for running the Collider? And who was the old women I was in bed with 20 years in the future? Why didn’t I have my current girlfriend in bed with me? SHOULD I JUST BREAK UP WITH MY GF BECAUSE 20 YEARS IN THE FUTURE SHE WON’T BE MY WIFE ANYWAY? I saw it. We can’t chance the future anyway. Let’s just break up now and wait 20 years.

    I kinda shook my head the whole time. I don’t even know how I made it through the whole book. The only interesting part was the Greek guy that knows he will be murdered in the future -> waits 20 years for the day to freak out and “investigate” it. Oh, and in the end it gets totally metaphysical, philosophical, devine (“Universe needs a Qualified Observer”).

    But at least I still have a whole year till that show gets dubbed and shipped over to Germany – just like every mediocre TV show.

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