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ANTM: Midget Edition ep. 1 recap

September 14, 2009

IT’S HERE!!

amber-shimmy

I’m so excited I’m positively shimmying in excitement.

There are few things in life that get me as excited as ANTM does.  It’s trashy, beautiful, and I’m always pissed off by who wins.  But this cycle will be different.  Because they’re all short.  It’s only been mentioned rarely in the run-up to the premiere, so I thought I’d point it out.

I’m a little behind on the actual premiere, so no live-blogging, but, uh, live-watching the first part of the season premiere and an excess of .gifs after the jump!

0:08: I hate Whitney so much.

1:17: I’m intrigued by the “Le Cycle 13” thing.  Is this some kind of reference to the *le sigh* meme, a tongue-in-cheek nod to the ridiculousness of the show?  IS ANTM DEVELOPING IRONY?

1:30: One of the great tragedies of this cycle is that this man

campgay

has only the barest bit of screen time.  I can’t tell through the gay if he’s just being campy or if he’s being condescending, cause he’s treating them all like retarded children.

1:45: Well, Amber actually is a retarded child.  And she’s obviously going to get into the house, because it’s pretty clear that the wheel’s running but the hamster’s dead.

3:25: Oh wait.  Tyra’s speaking in an atrocious French accent.  Cancel the irony.

3:55: Tyra, I missed your brand of crazy so much.

4:35: “Short girl who just dreams of being a model” meme already getting old.

7:19: Is Amber crying?

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7:25: Yes, she’s crying, complete with little spit bubbles. And talking about Jesus.  Her chances of getting into the house are getting better by the second.

8:45: Amber is “kind of” a virgin? What does that even mea—OH GOD LOOK AT THAT FUCKING HIPSTER!!

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Okay, back the fuck up.  Too much just happened in those 7 seconds.

a) when did hipsters become acceptable ANTM cast members? hipsters are built from irony and meta.  ANTM contestants must be capable of being transported with glee at the drop of a hat, or weave.  Bitch will cause a fucking black hole if she’s allowed on this show for much longer.

b)  I’m worried that Amber has confused the presence of Jesus with an STD.  Sex with Jesus? Sex with homeless man who looked like Jesus?  Whatever it is, she’s had it for at least two years, apparently.  Get that bitch to a FREE CLINIC!

Okay, let’s keep moving.

9:24: I want to hate Miss Jay.  I really do.  But dammit if he’s the only one who’s got even a shred of perspective.

9:58: Broken leg girl walks in.  Tyra looks like she’s just realized a contestant has a second head but is a crack baby and intersex so there’s no way she can do anything but make them win so now she has to pretend like she’s planned it all along:

tyra-crutches

12:15: Why does Brittany get pompous/cliche classical music in the background of her interview?  Cuz she iz gud wif teh maths?

13:25: Nails down a fucking chalkboard, Sunday.  Or Sundai, or rather,  SundaI!

At least the Jays look to be about as pleased to see her as me:

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13:51: I’m like that the sob stories don’t have sobbing in them anymore.

15:06: Bianca made it 1/6 of the way through before attacking someone to her face.  I have high hopes for her.  She might make it into the third episode before saying “I’m not here to make friends”  unironically.

15:09: Okay, Amber’s full of crazy and good TV, but there’s this moment right here where Amber’s just sitting under her hat that’s wonderful luck, listening to all of these girls attack her, and her smile gets a little shaky and she sort of rolls her lips into her mouth and gnaws on them for just a second, and it’s so vulnerable and kind of gorgeous that I feel like a worm for watching reality TV and laughing at people like her, and then she starts singing about how Jesus is her best friend and I’m back to being happily complicity in the exploitation.  Well played, CW.

15:15: I, too, regularly behave totally ridiculously while looking dead in the eyes, Amber.  And that’s why Tyra’s going to put you in the house and keep you around for weeks.  Cause you’re relatable.

17:13: Kermit, is that you?

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18:34: Nicole is an artist and has a tangential relationship with blood! I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING THAR, PRODUCERS!  These girls have clearly never seen this picture or they wouldn’t even be batting an eye right now.

THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER CREEPY-CHAN!!

19:10: Ugh, she even has a hipster name.  Samaire.

21:15: A large rusty wheelbarrow?  How does that even work? We weren’t even allowed to wear sweaters in the middle of winter at my high school.

23:17: I’m kind of in love with cow-castration girl.  Total, non-ironic love.

24:02: Rae has one of the most legitimately horrible histories Tyra’s managed to coerce onto this show, but she seems far too well-adjusted/generally at peace with it for Tyra to exploit it properly.  I predict 6 episodes before Tyra figures that out and gets rid of her.

24:28: I think anime girl’s kind of adorable, but I’d just like to note that while she was saying she was good at showing emotion with her eyes, she was making this face:

animegirl

26:11: SundaI!, take note.  This is how you do “I’m so excited I can’t even take it”:

raven-excited

26:51: Fuck, Ciara’s hot.

27:52: I wish I could say I didn’t laugh at this:

girl-falling

but I did.

29:28: Did Alison mention that she’s a modeling teacher?  She just wants to make sure that she mentioned that she’s a modeling teacher, before she disappears and we never see her again because she’s working as a modeling teacher.

30:51: Oh, sweetie, you need to work on your – well, your – your face.

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31:25: Amber is either conducting one of the top 5 greatest performances pieces of all time or…well, lives in a small town in the midwest.

33:28: YES! NNENNA!! THAT’S WHO BIANCA LOOKS LIKE!!  She’s like conglomeration of every black character on ANTM ever, so it confused me.

35:10: Yes, make fun of the assault victim for her muscles.  Cute.

37:54: Nicole’s is the best selection reaction in the history of America’s.  Next. Top. Model.

39:28: Okay, I can’t clip it right now, but if you have the video handy, just go back and watch SundaI! being selected and bask in Tyra’s beatific-ness.

39:39: Who’s the girl in the white jumpsuit?  Wait, who’s the girl in the black and white??

Okay, I went back – I think they were these girls:

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Were they ever introduced?  Man, watching this premiere must have sucked for them.  I always wonder who the girls are who make it way far and then don’t even get any camera time.  If I was ever in a reality show, I think that’s who I would be.  The one who got to the semifinals and then was too boring to get any face time.

40:28: STFU, Tyra.

And that’s as good a way to wrap up a liveblog as any.

So of the final 20, the 6 who got cut were the two mystery girls, Ciara, no-plumbing girl, pageant girl, and Lisa.  The one’s we’ve got left are Amber, Anime Girl, Kermit, Crutches, Lulu, the Black Bitch, Cow-Castration Girl, Erin, Math Girl, SundaI!, Nicole, the Token Asian, Rai/Rae, and somebody else who I don’t remember.  And no, I probably won’t ever bother to learn their real names.  It’s too hard.  My head is full of important stuffs only.

Part 2 coming…sometime.  Hopefully after I get some more of my actual work finished.

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