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It’s SMIZE TIME!!

September 19, 2009

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ANTM recap time!!! My blog is like 60% Tyra right now, that’s going to have to change when I have regular internet access again.

Recap of the second (third?) episode is below the cut.  SPOILERS!! Smize wills you to make the jump.  JUMP!!

I fell a little behind on my ANTM recaps, but the second half of the premiere was remarkably boring for an episode that was the makeover episode AND the first photoshoot/elimination all in one.  Maybe I’ll go back later, but for now (I’m stealing Meredith’s True Blood recap format):

PRO: The makeovers were renamed Ty-overs, just in case anyone was unaware that Tyra’s just playing dress-up with her little dolls and kind of enjoys making people look horrible.

CON: No one looked too horrible.  Yes, there was the erase-everyone’s-eyebrows thing, which was really weird, but Erin looked sort of incredible.

PRO: Fucking Laura.  I think I’m falling totally and non-ironic love with her.  I mean, just look at how she reacted when her name was called:

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She’s just so happy.  Also, look at this picture.  It gives me the squees:

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PRO: Nicole and Rae fucking owning that shit.

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CON: Most predictable elimination ever.  The bitch is all whiny and is taught humility by Tyra by being put in the bottom two but then getting cut a break, and the runner-up girl is eliminated.  Blah blah blah.

OKAY, moving on to this week’s episode:

CON: RACHEL NO!! I know your fate already, and it makes me so sad.  You are so adorable and chibi-doll-like.

PRO: The president of Wilhelmina?? Damnnn, they are pulling out all the stops in these first episodes.  I have high hopes that this is an indication of an absolutely insanely awesome cycle.

PRO: Nigel being so obviously broken up about doing this elimination and it’s so adorable.  He’s so gentle and sweet.  And it makes it so clear by comparison how much Tyra fucking loves that shit.

CON: Using the same shot of Rachel 15 seconds apart during her elimination and expecting us not to notice:

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(notice the cw logo)

CON: That photographer being an annoyingly bad actor.

CON: Tyra being worse.

PRO/CON: I’m confused.  I’m cringing in embarrassment for Tyra, since she’s clearly too damn insane to know what an ass of herself she’s making.

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(gif is broken right now and I’m too trrd to fix it – it only loops once, so refresh to see)

About her need for attention.  I don’t know whether I can laugh at it or not.  On the other hand, she made up a fucking superhero called Smize and is now probably going to demand that everyone uses that word for the rest of time.

Laura thinks it’s great, of course.

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Surprisingly, so does Nicole.

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Erin is not amused.

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Neither is Courtney.

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Jennifer seems literally scared, though it’s unclear whether she’s scared of Tyra or the smize.

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CON: BIANCA YOU’RE A STUPID WHORE.

CON: omg where’s Sutan.  Where is Sutan and who are these lame-asses who’ve replaced him?  Fuck this.  I don’t even want to watch this anymore.  That’s a lie, but seriously.  First the clipboard dude, now Sutan?

CON: Yup, smize is now going to be used 120 times an episode.

CON: You’re asking Laura if she’s afraid of horses, Jay? Did you forget the cow castration story somehow?

PRO: HAHAHA BIANCA IS A MAN.  I need to think up a suitably condescending name to call Bianca.  She doesn’t deserve a real name.

CON: Courtney bitching about stupid shit.  Brittany bitching stupidly about Courtney bitching about stupid shit.  Everyone rolling their eyes, and the fight is done.  That was lame.

CON: I was really hoping that Rich at fourfour’s prediction about Miss Jay’s hairnet getting bigger and bigger each week was right.  Lame sleeves thing is lame.

CON: LC is the guest judge, not Heidi/Spencer.  How incredible would it be to have a Tyra/Speidi ego deathmatch? So incredible, that’s how.

PRO: Bianca having a poopy face.  Also: Gummy Bear.  I’m going to call her Gummy Bear. (This coming from a girl who has a healthy gum/tooth ratio herself.)

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PRO: Laura being so gorgeous.  Also, I figured out that she looks like this dude I used to date (it’s not an insult I swear.  Well, not for her.  The guy was kind of feminine-looking) who I still have a secret thing for.  If she does another little dance when her name’s called, I think I will be hopeless, irrevocably, stalker-style in love with her.

PRO: That Erin looks like this in pictures

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and like this in real life

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She’s so itty bitty and young!!

CON: The judges doing the “dancing training helped you and is awesome”/ “your dancing training’s holding you back” about-face yet again without even an inkling of self-awareness.

PRO: Laura not dancing.  Whew.  I can stay just kind of in love with her instead of doing creepy things like googling her name for hours.

CON: You had Gummy Bear in the bottom two AGAIN and you didn’t get rid of her AGAIN????? Dammit, Tyra!! It’s like you don’t care what I think.

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